So as for all of the projects I both have and want to do, yes, it's really frustrating. On top of what I'm already doing, there's still so much more that I want to begin, but I really, REALLY am not in the place to take any MORE work as of now. It sucks wanting to do something and not being able to do that thing for who knows how long. Yeah, that's SUCH a weird thing I'm SURE you've never experienced before.
Other than that, my health has not been optimal these past few months, for various reasons. Physically, I'm eh, not horrible, but not quite as good as I was about a year or two ago. Mentally, I'm completely screwed up, although that's really not anything new. Every single day that goes by is just veiled by a dark cloud, no matter what I'm doing, no matter how much fun I'm trying to have or how accomplished I may feel about something, it just doesn't seem to matter. I'm just always feeling down. It's been this way my entire life, and though I always thought this was the way EVERYONE felt based on what everyone's told me after I talked to them over this, these days I'm starting to wonder if this is really abnormal, which, if it's the case (which it is, most likely), then it's just incredibly sad to me. I'm a person who wants fairness and justice, like, if someone's kind, they should be rewarded with kindness, and if someone's an awful assfuck, they should be punished accordingly. Unfortunately, that's just not how the world works, though. We're not all the same, there's no balance, and that's why this world is so screwed up.
There's always shit on my mind, anxiety over some stuff I'd rather not bring up, some guilt, and, above all, the negative emotions that creep in that are spawned from the depths of those who I feel have mistreated me. This all sounds pretty familiar, as, if you're reading this, you could probably say almost exactly the same. But stuff seems to loop in my head, over and over and over again, almost as if it just recently happened or something. You know how, after a bad situation, whether you caused it or not, the guilt/pain EVENTUALLY goes away, although it always kinda sticks around JUST enough so you're reminded of it? Well, that's not how it is with me, see, with ME, that initial horrible feeling that comes up RIGHT after the bad things happened is what stays around, practically forever. Even if it numbs just a little bit over the months and years, it comes back at a critical level again quite often. So basically, having this shit fog up my mind 24/7 kind of takes priority over the good that should be had. No, not kind of, IT ALWAYS FUCKING DOES, and it's ALWAYS been this way. It just seems to have been worse I guess the past two years. It's great, it really gives ya a lot to want to wake up to.
As far as society goes, the selfishness and hypocrisy just won't stop eating away at me. Just all the shit I keep fucking putting up with with those I'm forced to be near, those I have the misfortune to have enter my retinas and eardrums, it goes on and on. It's come to the point where I feel like I literally have to shut myself away from news and practically any opinions people have to give on things, because, it's like every time, it's something that has no evidence to back it up, something they're not willing to be swayed from even if their idea is proven to be invalid and they know it... blah blah, it just gets stupider and stupider every day. I feel like I've concluded that people want to be right so they can be right, it's not for any other reason other than their own self-confidence or pride. Undeserved and unconditional arrogance, really. I try to look at other people's sides and question why they'd think the way they do, I question myself... basically, in short, I go out of my way and put effort into seeing the other person's side of something. But hey, who the hell cares if the other people don't care enough to do the same?
The point is... well, actually, I don't know anymore. I'm basically just pissed off and unhappy and stressed out. Again. YEY!