I just spent the last few minutes looking through my older videos, which I NEVER do, I can't stand looking at my old stuff, lol. But I just wanted to see them again, and... well, most of them look worse than I remembered.
It really is fascinating though, isn't it? How you can be making something, not see too much wrong with it, and then a year (or even a few months) later and think it's incredibly ugly. I just went through that. One of the many reasons I do not check up on my old stuff. Not even just the style of drawing, but the humor in a lot of them. Like, I'll look back at it and go "...wow, I really, really wish I hadn't put that in there...". Honestly, in some cases, I even feel so regretful up to the point where it's eating me alive inside.
For these past few days, being completely honest, it hasn't been too good. I've been having many conflictions with myself. Guilt has been tearing me up inside, stuff that some have said has really been getting to me, so on and so forth. I've been a pretty unhappy person for a long time, but I haven't felt this bad in over two years; I haven't been eating or sleeping much, and both my animation and night job have been going really slowly. It's been incredibly difficult to focus. I'm really just hoping for the pain to leave very soon, because it is not good, I can't live like this for too much longer. I think it's maybe beginning to fade, but it's ever so gradual. I've been trying to seek help from friends and family members this week, and I thank each and every one of them for their presence and comfort, honestly I don't know what I'd do without them.
Also, I've been thinking about possibly moving back to Colorado in a month or two. I'm probably just saying this because of these bad feelings that have been within me lately, but there's some other things happening... There were many reasons I moved out here to Pennsylvania, but a lot of things aren't really going as planned, and I don't want to get TOO into it, but basically, at this time, going back to my home might just be better overall for me right now. The grass is always greener, yeah, but quite honestly I might have just needed perspective. But I don't know, we'll see. If I do move back though, it's not like this was a "waste of time" or anything, I could just see it as a long visit.
Actually, I didn't want to turn this journal into a personal sob-fest thing, it was supposed to just be about my thoughts on looking through old content, but welp, here we are, lol. It's just been incredibly overwhelming. Like honestly, there were times during the days where I would just go downstairs, sit on the couch, and just stare and listen to nothing, trying to figure things out in my head and relax inside... never really worked, though.
To brighten the mood though... as far as the whole YouTube and Newgrounds thing is, I'm glad I got where I got to at this time. I see so many others get so much farther in such less time and effort, but honestly, I'm not in too bad of a position myself. Who knows, maybe what I'm going through right now was something meant to give me perspective on things. I just hope it ends soon. Thank you all for your support.
It really is fascinating though, isn't it? How you can be making something, not see too much wrong with it, and then a year (or even a few months) later and think it's incredibly ugly. I just went through that. One of the many reasons I do not check up on my old stuff. Not even just the style of drawing, but the humor in a lot of them. Like, I'll look back at it and go "...wow, I really, really wish I hadn't put that in there...". Honestly, in some cases, I even feel so regretful up to the point where it's eating me alive inside.
For these past few days, being completely honest, it hasn't been too good. I've been having many conflictions with myself. Guilt has been tearing me up inside, stuff that some have said has really been getting to me, so on and so forth. I've been a pretty unhappy person for a long time, but I haven't felt this bad in over two years; I haven't been eating or sleeping much, and both my animation and night job have been going really slowly. It's been incredibly difficult to focus. I'm really just hoping for the pain to leave very soon, because it is not good, I can't live like this for too much longer. I think it's maybe beginning to fade, but it's ever so gradual. I've been trying to seek help from friends and family members this week, and I thank each and every one of them for their presence and comfort, honestly I don't know what I'd do without them.
Also, I've been thinking about possibly moving back to Colorado in a month or two. I'm probably just saying this because of these bad feelings that have been within me lately, but there's some other things happening... There were many reasons I moved out here to Pennsylvania, but a lot of things aren't really going as planned, and I don't want to get TOO into it, but basically, at this time, going back to my home might just be better overall for me right now. The grass is always greener, yeah, but quite honestly I might have just needed perspective. But I don't know, we'll see. If I do move back though, it's not like this was a "waste of time" or anything, I could just see it as a long visit.
Actually, I didn't want to turn this journal into a personal sob-fest thing, it was supposed to just be about my thoughts on looking through old content, but welp, here we are, lol. It's just been incredibly overwhelming. Like honestly, there were times during the days where I would just go downstairs, sit on the couch, and just stare and listen to nothing, trying to figure things out in my head and relax inside... never really worked, though.
To brighten the mood though... as far as the whole YouTube and Newgrounds thing is, I'm glad I got where I got to at this time. I see so many others get so much farther in such less time and effort, but honestly, I'm not in too bad of a position myself. Who knows, maybe what I'm going through right now was something meant to give me perspective on things. I just hope it ends soon. Thank you all for your support.
